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Retarded.....ugly and stupid !! Face with weird expressions...eyes blood red, hair unkempt like unwatered road side weeds, fists clinched and trying to push the wall... Overall, a figure of pity.....But....wait a minute ! Thats me.....looking in the mirror.....!!

It looked like a regular routine filled morning and a predictable day...in the morning, which of course turned out to be a day-mare...if you want to call it that way !

I heard her re-emphasizing.."we are just friends...and ll be... hereafter too... if you want it that way. You listening to me ??", rest all my dumb (keyboard problem) numb head defied to hear.... Last thing I heard was, "Ok Chintan, dont you worry...everything would be fine...gotta go...bbye !!". Did she break up with me ? Yes....she broke-up with me....much before I could even make it up to her...

In the morning, I was reading newspaper, shitting (keyboard problem) sittng in a confined space on, what literate people would not call a chair...pitying people dying for unreasonable reasons like road accidents, militant attacks, poverty and even sudden heart attacks ! That was when, my eyes got fixed on an article "Failure in love-life can kill too ??". It told about a guy who failed to woo his love and jumped off the roof. He realized it late....not his failure but, that it was only first floor and could only manage to kill his father's loyal dog, who was the sole witness of the incident and did not live to bark about it. The guy could only get 2 broken bones, not because of the fall but his father's courtesy." Later I shared the online newspaper clip on FB and added a comment,"huh...what a despo !!", which got 4 likes and 8 comments, not that I am boasting about it but it feels great man !!

People say, mirrors dont lie...but this one....definitely was ! I was adjudged as the fresh face in first yr of college.. But right now, it showed me all the pimples, blackheads and oh my god !! did I see a grey hair in midst of all the dandruff ?? I am doomed... Firstly, my grades did not come great, not that its a surprise but still it hurts man !! Secondly, my maid who thinks that I fall for every second lady, felt ...though for a second, that she was the second one !! Thirdly, the girl I was TDM in love with, oh by the way TDM means (truly.... deeply and melody..arrghh...madly), this keyboard ducks !! Anyways, the girl I love and was about to propose shortly in 1-2 years..dumped me ! Not that I was not expecting it but its just that it came a bit early than I expected !! And lastly...this grey hair...

My eyes had swollen but tears would just keep coming like Hyderabadi traffic does, when you want to cross the road. Its not that, that I am not good at crossing roads, I can even double-cross a 2-lane road but tears.... As far as I remember, I never cried in childhood not even in adolescence as it was considered a sign of weakness. Until I saw Salman Khan, the macho man, crying in a movie..and I said..I can cry better than that and you get to be called sensitive too !! I do not know about others but my tears dont seem to taste good...too much saltiness just ruined the taste !!

My cell was ringing...before I could reach for it...it became silent. I looked at the caller name, it was her number. Woww !! She called me ? The thought itself sounded so exciting but...why would she call me ? We had just met in college.. I mean she was sitting 2..ok 200 mtrs away with her friends and caught me looking at her thrice....so romantic naa... Though, I had got her number from a common friend but could not gather the courage to call her..but I could still point at her number blind fold from a heap of phone directories.... So should I call back ? or wait for her call and try to show off some attitude.. before i could decide, she called again.

I was desperately trying to wipe off tears with my hanky, t-shirt and kitchen napkins as well... but desperate times call for desperate measures. So, I ran for toilet roll..only dat cud wipe off a mess like that. I was confident as it has handled much worse situations than this like aftermaths of Edward's butter chicken party... Gopi's booz nite and gift wrapping of Bijoy's gift for his girlfriend....

"Hello..this is Chintan, who is at the other end....", I picked up the phone."Grow up Chintan...you know its me...stop behaving like an immature school teenager !",she said."Listen, I want to talk to you about something important, are you listening ?", she continued. Of course I was...with super-sonic pulse rate, com-pounding heart, eyes wide open..was she about to say those magical three words ??? "Who are you ?", she said. What ?? did I hear it correctly ? Did she say, who am I ? No, wait..it cant be..its not supposed to be.. The astrologer on TV said, my love life is about to take off....or did he mean take....off ?? "Who the hell you think you are ? You are embarrassing me in front of my friends Chintan.", she said in a subtle, cold manner, I could hear grinding of teeth...so very peculiar of her...when she gets angry. I loved it when she did something like that to my #5 competitor in front of canteen... Everybody said, it was very rude of her..only I supported..infact celebrated it by paying for all 5 of my friends. What sounded like a romantic symphony that day, sounded like hammering a nail into a defiant wall, right now.

"So you mean...you mean you dont like me ? you were not waiting for me to propose you ? You are not angry because I am delaying ? but..because I embarrassed you !! You like someone else ??, I asked all of it in a flurry. "Oh, com'on Chintan...you are not my white knight in shining armour but a shy driver, who uses too much dipper at night but never overtakes !!" She took a long breath and even longer pause....'Listen Chintan, I do not want you to suffer because of me.. because you are very innocent, very cute...but not my type !". I never realized that innocence is such a ditch (this keyboard....). "Stop thinking about me..and never.... ever....ever... think of embarrassing me by proposing in future. Its just a friendly advice." Sounded more like a threat to me..but girls have their own vocab..cant help it.

I heard her re-emphasizing.."we are just friends...and ll be hereafter too...if you are ok with it but nothing more than that.....you listening to me ??" My heart sunk like Titanic..oh man !! It was on such a beautiful journey...but alas..bruised so badly that it chose to sink than keep afloat with scars. The phone got dropped from my hand, like a twig from a tree struck with lightening. I could still hear her voice,"Ok Chintan, dont you worry...everything would be fine...gotta go...bbye !!". She fell from a height with my phone...that hurt me too. The flood gates were opened..tears started rolling down and when transformed into avalanche..dont remember. So many emotions striking the same note...at the same time...pain..agony...!!

I wanted to ask so many questions....but to whom..could not decide. I wanted a shoulder to wet with tears..but whom to call..could not decide... I wanted to burn effigy of her..but which books to choose to burn..could not decide ! Looking in the mirror...I could not decide, looking stupid is bad or being one !!

I dont know, if I would be same person again. If I would ever be able to love someone again. If If I would ever want to be called innocent again !!

Lucky Cafe

A lot can happen over a coffee !!!  naah......... I do not believe that. Do you ?

While composing this incident, I tried to be usual me.....thinking
what all could go wrong when a guy tries to date a girl in the first meeting ?

hhmm...Lets see.

Guy asks permission to sit next to a lonely girl, and she plainly says,"NO"
moral down....

Lets assume she agrees and in excitement, while getting up to order a coffee...guy bumps into an old school, who screws the guy in front of the girl for being uncourteous, uncultured, unethical and so on...
impression down...

The guy tries to compliment the girl for her smart phone, which turns out to be a dumb calculator
IQ down....

Lets assume she ignores these incidents, the guy gets coffee, comes back...sits there and while fiddling with stupid cup, the coffee falls over her pretty dress, you just complimented her about.
down...down...down !!!

And yes forgot to mention, that while going that girl crushes his bike into wall by her car !!

I mean....screw him altogether....in all possible ways...because he dared to give it a try ??

Come'on, give him a second chance.... wont you ??

Lets begin afresh.....

A  guy walks into an open air coffee bar, on the lake view side of a crowded mall.
But surprisingly, its silence in the air coupled with obvious serenity of the view.

The guy walks directly towards the extreme right corner table.
“Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here ?” , asked the guy to the girl already sitting there.

The girl raised her head from the novel, which she was reading since afternoon and found a 5’10” tall guy in a blue and white striped, collared  t-shirt and khaki shorts facing her, with a smiley face and starry eyes.

She could not decide, whether to get surprised or shocked to see a stranger asking for something she did not want to share…..........privacy !!

“Who the hell are you ? why don’t you sit anywhere else !” that’s what she wanted to ask and much more….
But before she could decide to confront or do anything…the guy threw another ball at her.

“Please don’t misunderstand me, it’s my lucky table. I always prefer to sit here. “ He said in such a calm voice and with such conviction, that all she could manage was a sheepish nod…

The guy sat facing her and the lake view, for which people would step over shoulder of other people in peak hours. But being a weekday, the view was up for easy grab,............ the lake view.

“Beautiful !!”, the guy said…..

“Excuse me !!”, eyebrows of the girl dared the guy for such unwanted attention. “What do you mean ?”

“Pardon me…I was referring to the lake. I just love to stare at it, whenever I am here. So serene…so calm..
So peaceful…so…”

“Ok..ok….stop it…I got it…”, the girl said with an arrogant but pacified tone and dived again into the novel, which was cursing the guy for sharing the attention, it was enjoying without any competition till now.

The girl was not exactly an artwork or sculptor by God but fair, fairly attractive and graceful. She was wearing a casual brown Kurti and a faded blue jeans, which had almost decided to turn white. The beads around her neck and glasses tightly holding onto her nose, were giving her an intellectual look. In short, a pretty girl with sense and simplicity.

The guy ordered the coffee and was again looking straight in direction of girl, or in other words.... the lake placid.

After some moments of unpleasant silence, "What is so lucky about the table?", whats this !! She wanted to remain indifferrent but it just spurted out.

The guy gave a smile, "Actually everytime I have sat here, I have managed to get a date",said the guy staring right into her eyes....

The waiter brought the coffee. And the guy got busy customizing it, but his eyes still fixed on the girl.

Haah..what the fudge !! he aint no Prince charming, why would anybody date him ? or even have a coffee with him for that matter !
"May be its not ur lucky day mister !! I am not in a mood to date anybody !!", said the girl confidently fixing her glasses.

The guy smiled again clamly, but his mischievous eyes revealed it all that he was about to shoot a teaser, "who says, I would ask you ? you are not my type !!", he said sipping the coffee.

And before the girl could close her mouth, opened in awe, he continued," I was referring to the girl who is sitting there"pointing a finger towards another girl, sitting two tables away.

She had a round face and sharp features but an overly-anxious expression masking its beauty, as if she was waiting to get in a shop, where everything is at 80% discount. Anyways, she was wearing a loose red top struggling to stay on her shoulders and green shorts and not to forget her yellow shoes. Overall, she could easily give a run for money to a chameleon for the color contrasts she was sporting.

"Do you think, she would agree ??", the guy asked the girl while still looking at the distant target.

Though, she would not advise such a girl for even an enemy, but in these circumstances, her obvious answer was, "NO...."

"Why not !!", the guy asked with an animated curiosity.

That was a tough one," coz..coz...you may be not be her type!! ", she concluded.

"Her type ?? How do u know that ??  Are you a face reader like me ??", the guy asked again, resting his chin on his fist.

"Ahha...so you want me to believe, you are a face reader ??...very smart", the girl said fixing her glasses again. Her tone suggesting, she was in no mood to get convinced.

"Oh yeah...I am...", the guy said, leaning back on the chair."And I can read it on your forehead", he said leaning back at table with a jerk.

"And whats that ?", asked the girl gathering back her composure and with genuine curiosity.

"uumm...It reads, "Pick MEEEEE.... not her ! She is no match for you.", concluded the guy, smiling and patting himself for his wits.

Girl makes a weird face, "haa...haa....haaa... very funny" and wipes her forehead with a hankerchief to get rid of accumulating sweat.

"Now it reads, this guy is a genuine genious!", claimed the guy with a victorious grin.

The girl gave a forced, annoyed smile while putting her hankerchief back in her purse.

Guy said, "just kiddin...Just wanted to see your expressions". The girl became consious and her hand automatically moved to fix her glasses.

"But that girl seems to be just the one I wish to date.", continued the guy.

"Why is that ?", asked the girl.

"Because ...she is wearing a loose top and shorts. And that means....."

"What does that means to you ?" girl interrupted the guy, in anticipation of an obvious answer.

"That reveals that she has a ....she has a very good.....good sense of fashion." said the guy, chewing his answer and sipping the coffee.Thouroughly enjoying girls' expressions, whose eyes were popping out of sockets as if preparing to launch an "Anti-Eve teasing Campaign".

"Haah.... listen mister...I exactly understand..what u meant...", the girl sad settling down but pointing a finger towards the guy."dont try to act smart.." Though she was praising the guy within, for his jugglery of words.

"Thanks for the compliment..but I am not good at accepting compliments..", the guy said, acting to blush.
This time, the girl smiled... "You know what..you are a psycho...!! ", she said

"How do u know that?? ", the guy said giving a shocked expression. "That I have done masters in psychology ?. Anyways...its alright, I think, I am inducing you to read forehead too".

" And guess what, you get an opportunity to repay me. I think, you can help me to get her to agree to my proposal.", the guy continued with his vicious plot.

Wait a minute, this is not happening...Is he trying to use me to get her ? No way.....
"Why should I help you ?? I dont even know you", girl said using her both hands to gesture her annoyance.

"Oh com'on..thats such a non-issue! Hi, my name is Shinchan, Shinchan Niranjan Vachchani, Shinchan Niranjan Manbhanjan Vachchani, rest I ll tell you later. And as u already know, done masters in psychology and my phone number is 00-6999-9999...."

"Stop..stop...did I ask for your number ??", the girl said trying to justify her intentions.

"I thought, that would be your next question", guy said smiling. "Usually, thats what girls ask me first...."

"But you are different... you asked it after a long time...I like it", guy said trying to control his grin.

Now the girl blushed and her cheeks turned pink trying to hide her subdued emotions.....And once again, her glasses hugged her nose, on a slight touch of her hand.

"So, you asked, why should you help me....", guy said with his head staring the blue sky and finger tapping his dimpled chin.

"Lets think.....may be for a cup of coffee ??", he suggested...pointing towards the girl's empty mug." infact, take it as an advance...", and smiled again.

" Waiter !!! "

Dominozzz Effect !!

Now this may sound absurd but holds true if and only if you are a pizza lover. And you have spent some quality time with any mouth-watering, olive-eyed, vibracious Pizza in any bakery/restaurant or specialty pizza parlor  or even at home.

So, here is a theory about the weird analogy between your Life and a Pizza !! Now you may just turn a straight face or put 2-3 more wrinkles on your forehead or even adjust your specs to make sure, you read it right. So lets just start by concluding that you read it right !!

The logic of comparing your life with a Pizza :You may think, that you have set your priorities right and have told your choice well in advance, to whomever you think is responsible to shape your life and affect it in whatever

manner possible. Quite similar to the way you order a Pizza, choosing the size, price-range, toppings or the stuffing. Expecting that it would turn out exactly the way you wished it to be ! A colorful life-size masterpiece, a treat for eyes and tongue. But........ all said and done, in the end..it doesn't even matter. Because sometimes, it all depends on someone else...and not you, for how would your life or pizza may look and taste :)

On the same lines, your life is a conglomerate of many sectors, your family, your relatives, your career, your friends,secret affair and others, which may not be of equal importance but, lets assume for the sake of comparison with Pizza, its same, the way a Pizza is a joint venture of many pieces. You may choose which piece you want to eat first but still, you gotta finish 'em all....all by yourself :)

Now, good part is, you can choose the toppings, the way you like it, just like friends in your life ! You can choose evergreen onion, without which your every plan is incomplete; hot-headed but kind hearted tomato, which can give blisters if not given proper attention; soothing capsicum, which would not only impart taste but change your life forever; mushroom, however hard you try to keep him away, still manages to reach your mouth and so forth and so on.....

And then, your girlfriend/boyfriend..who is like the cheese-burst added to your Pizza.... falling all over you...making you drool...making you feel, thats the only reason you bought the pizza for....making sure, ur all attention is towards it, ignoring all other things. !! Tastes great at first and then as time passes by, things start stretching and it becomes tasteless by the time you reach last bite :)

Last but not the least, Your career/studies....just like the base of the Pizza, doesnt taste good, does not have any appeal, but still you could not afford a Pizza without a base....in short an indispensable part of your life,a necessary evil :)

And there could be some freebies in your life, who keep coming and going at their own discretion, which you may want or may not want, but still tolerate them, just because they come free of cost or at a nominal price....similar to a cold drink bottle, garlic bread or introductory pasta, which disturbs your diet plan and affects your pocket too..

dispensable but still you juggle them till the time you reach your table or home :)

So there you are....my friend.....staring at the Pizza and looking for more similarities between your life and him. Hope you could better relate to it now and have a healthy relationship hereafter !!

And yes, do share your findings if I have missed any :))

Have I fallen in Love ?? Litmus test

For all those, who ask themselves this question some or the other time or all the time, "Have I fallen in love ??"

You can easily find the answer to this question by answering "Yes"/"No" for following statements/questions.

Note: If you want to answer "May be..", you definitely have not attained the right age to fall in love...so relax !!

1. You still enjoy snacks between four meals a day ??

2. You still search for logic in Bollywood masala movies ??

3. There is no time lag between a good joke and your frantic, hysterical laughter !

4. You still gaze at passing girls/guys and not stars in daytime !!

5. You are still considered hygenic socially/ you dont smell like a dumpster ??

6. You are trying to quit smoking/alcohol ??

7. Your friends still call you for parties and dont treat you as a street dog with rashes !!

8. You can still sleep 25 hrs a day without complaining of exhaustion !!

9. Nobody has yet referred you to a psychiatrist !!

10. The girl/guy you think you love, doesnt thinks of you as a complete loser !!

Even if one of your answers is "Yes", go through the questionnaire again, you still have hope to find more "Yes".

And if most of your answers are "No", then my friend....you were my friend !! May God have mercy on you :)

I hate Surprizes !!

Here I was, standing in front of my class-teacher, I staring at the mosaic tile of the floor...rubbing my shoe against it. And my teacher staring down at me.After moments of torturous silence, the inevitable rain started pouring,"I am really upset with you. You are a bright student, why would you do something like that ?" And look up, when I am talking to you !!" I was made to feel like a serial killer, who had appeared in court to plead guilty.

It was Diwali season, and as a tradition somebody had to plant a cracker-bomb in the boys-toilet. And this time, I had to do the honors. Or rather I took it up on me to prove a point to my stupid, idiot, and "self acclaimed cool" friends. So, on the destined day, with a pounding heart and shaking hands, I planted the bomb after lunch, with a lit scented stick to act as timer and left the scene. But, unfortunately the fragrance of the stick was too good to get unnoticed and the sweeper of the school, who usually played the "sniffer dog", foiled the plan. And still dont know, who traited me and gave my name to teacher or I swear to God, I would have demonstrated my karate skills to him without hesitation.

And now it was fire-fighting time. I looked up, gathering all the courage left in me, and all the innocence almost ready to pour out of watery eyes."Ma'am I did not do it, I am being dragged  into this matter unnecessarily!". It worked but not much as I was not  used to such kind of trials. She lowered her tone,"Now the last thing you would want to do is lie to me! Accept you did it with dignity and I may reduce your punishment. Or tell me the name of the guy, who did this". Woah, I was offered a deal, either to get my head shaved or stab one of my stupid, idiot and "self acclaimed cool" friends. I glanced at them, but to my surprize, their faces seemed to be as innocent as I had not seen in my lifetime! Their eyes, made me feel bad about the very idea of betraying them and giving their name as mastermind.

I was feeling the cold sweat running down my back and on palms. I had no choice but to plead guilty, for the crime which never happened ! So, with a heavy heart and embarrassed voice I nodded my head and said," Sorry Ma'am, I should not have done this. I apologize for the mistake I have committed. Please forgive me."

But has anybody seen roadways-bus-drivers giving way to dogs ? None. But the miracle happened. To my surprize, she calmed down and touched my shoulder and said," Since you have accepted your mistake and considering your good records, I have no doubt that you would not commit such a heinous thing again. But.....". The but did put breaks on my increasing happiness. And a question mark floated in my eyes, whats this but for?" She continued," But you ll have to monitor that until Diwali vacation starts, nobody from this class does anything like this again." her words dropped like Hiroshima bomb on my ears. I wanted to shout, punish me but not like this. But instead, I thanked the teacher for her kind nature and came back to my seat.

The damage was done. I turned my head towards my friends again and saw those innocent faces turning into demon faces again. And by courtesy of my stupid, idiot and "self acclaimed cool" friends, I had to monitor what janitor did, play "sniffer dog" !!